End Of The Innocence

After her talk with Veggie Head Stalker, Bobbie arranged to have Stewart Pittman and Fox 8 come back for a live shoot in which she made her intentions known to the world. She explained that she would be going away and that if her followers wanted her to return they must rid North Carolina of genetically modified foods by any means necessary and establish plans to rid the rest of the nation and the rest of the world of these genetic monsters. At that point she promised to return with the knowledge of many dimensions. But only if we prepared ourselves would we be capable of using what she brought back with her.

Knowing she'd have to leave her motorcycle behind, Bobbie bought a used bicycle from Merrit at Re-Cycles Bike Shop to take with her to ride in the Tall White cities. She wanted something from home to take with her and Merrit put together just exactly what she needed.

Upon her return she promised to rid Earth of the Grey Aliens and those who would help them but only if we did our part while she was away. She explained that it was through the food supply that Monsanto and other Grey Alien institutions was taking over the minds of us all and that purification of the food supply was our only hope.

So have you decided where you're going?" the Veggicycle asked as Bobbie walked from in front of Stew's camera.

"All I know is the Tall Whites are taking me to another dimension," Bobbie answered, "and when I'm done they'll bring me back home. I hope."

"They will," the Veggiecycle said. "They always keep their promises."

"How do you know?" Bobbie asked.

"They made me?" the Wackemall 750 replied. "Just like they made Veggie Head Stalker."

"You knew about them all along," Bobbie asked, "and neither you nor Veggie ever told anyone?"

"Would anyone have believed a talking motorcycle and a plant that was wanted in over 100 countries?" the Veggiecycle asked.

"Probably not," Bobbie smiled. "It's just that everything is so unknown."

"I have a poem for that," the Veggiecycle replied.

"Of course you do," Bobbie grinned as Veggie began to recite, "You have a poem for everything."

"Sometimes life takes you down a road
you've been down before.
Sometimes where you planned to go,
on time and nothing more.
But the best adventures of my life..."

"That was nice," Bobbie said, "I'm going to miss your poems."

"I could go with you," the Veggiecycle said.

"But then the others would miss your poems," Bobbie said.

"I don't think so," the Veggiecycle said. "They don't seem to like my poems."

"They just don't want to admit it," Bobbie said.

"Why not?" The Veggiecycle asked.

"It's a guy thing," Bobbie explained. "They don't like to show their softer sides because they think it makes them look weak."

"You know," the Veggiecycle exclaimed, "that explains a whole lot of things. Especially when it comes to Billy."

"It sure does," Bobbie smiled. "Especially when it comes to Billy."

__________

I had overheard what they said about me. It couldn't be farther from the truth except when it was true. Some days that was me to a tee. Okay, most days, but occasionally I'm able to see through the fog and get it together. Too bad the City of Greensboro couldn't do the same.

The City was mired in public records requests because they refused to release public records so what did people do? They asked for more public records requests which brought about more refusals from the City creating a viscous and never ending cycle that only grew bigger and costs more. Suddenly, instead of the taxpayers, it was the City of Greensboro complaining about costs but the fact was it was the the City that caused the extra costs in the first place by not making the public records public in the first place. I mean, my God, it was as if they were trying to hide the fact that Grey Aliens were running the city government.

Then to add insult to injury, the Greensboro City Council voted to bail out the richest developers in all of Greensboro with a thinly veiled grant and loan program called the "Good Repair Ordinance" that granted money to rich Downtown property owners while forcing financially strapped property owners into taking out loans they couldn't afford to repay so that their properties would be foreclosed on by a local bank owned by the Grey Aliens.

Are you confused as to if this story is really fact or fiction? I know I am and I'm the one writing it.

___________

Bobbie wasn't even gone before the media started reporting on GM crops being destroyed in the fields where they grew. Rumors of biker gangs armed with machetes and flame throwers massing in small farming towns were rampant even if unproven. One thing that was proven was that sales of our Wackemall Machetes had skyrocketed. Suddenly we were back-ordered for months.

And it wasn't just North Carolina nor was it all bikers. People all over the world from every stripe were going after GM crops, killing them where they stood. Of course it didn't take long before the media started downplaying these events acting as if they never happened but with GM food prices now exceeding organic fruits and vegetables it was easy to see that suddenly GMFs were becoming in short supply.

In other states movements were afoot to ban GM foods but GM growers were pouring Billions of Dollars into campaigns to fight the organic efforts. Frustration was running high.

It didn't take long before Monsanto and the others came looking for Bobbie. As luck would have it she was in front of live television cameras saying goodbye to her followers when they rushed the yard outside our shop hoping to grab her only to stand down when Stew and the other television photographers from WGHP swung their cameras in Monsanto's direction. The whole world watched as a heavily armed force of Tall Whites appeared out of nowhere to escort Bobbie Sonner and Veggie Head Stalker safely away to another dimension.

The end of the innocence was upon us, the revolution was beginning and many good guitars would surely die painful deaths...

 

Hot Stuff

We all set around watching Bobbie's television debut in disbelief. Not only had Stew interviewed Bobbie but he had interviewed the deputies, police officers, state troopers and other eye witnesses who had watched Bobbie lead the animals back to the zoo.

Stew had also managed to get his hands on some cell phone footage of Bobbie facing down the charging bull elephant and he included it in the report that aired first on Fox 8 and over the course of the next 24 hours, world wide. Everyone who had seen her in action thought Bobbie to be some kind of goddess. Now Stew was back for extended interviews and hundreds of motorcyclists and other fans crowded the yard and the entire neighborhood hoping to get a look a Bobbie, an autograph or at least a smile from what we all knew was a natural born leader.

Now the entire world wanted to know who Bobbie Sonner was.


Old folks in motor homes were parking all over Burlington trying to get near her. The Burlington Police were working overtime trying to keep the streets cleared and traffic flowing. We didn't dare take Bobbie home because the Greensboro neighborhood where she lived was the very same way. Donny and Wooley had to go to Bobbie's house and request the Greensboro Police move the campers from her yard and the cars from her driveway.

On television, people were debating if Bobbie was the second coming of Christ Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha or some new miracle sent by God to found yet another great religion. Others feared she was the Devil. Fact is: none of them knew what they were talking about, they were just on TV talking.

Soldiers, Sailors and Marines stood guard in their off duty time, some even AWOL and all of them awaiting a new command from a new kind of leader.

Representatives from every major motorcycle gang and club in the nation met in our parking lot and declared our property a neutral zone, a sacred place where bikers never cross one another and nothing bad would ever happen to anyone for if it did those responsible would have to answer to every outlaw 1%er in the nation, maybe the entire world. There's only a handful of such places in existence, to know we would be forever safe here was quite the honor but it did have it's problems.

You see, with so many people all over the place we couldn't get anything done. Zero work was going on, the bills were still coming in and as much fun as I was having reliving my own days as a patch holder I knew if something didn't change very soon we were going to go broke. Just when I was trying to get up the nerve to attempt to tell them all to leave an old biker walked in with cash in had and said, "I've got $500 if Bobbie will autograph the tank on my hog."

"Consider it done," Bobbie smiled. "What color would you like for me to use?"

I worried Bobbie might get cramps in her fingers or fall out in the floor but she worked non stop for the next 36 hours airbrushing and signing motorcycle gas tanks and fenders for each and everyone who asked. Some paid her a hundred dollars, others paid her a thousand dollars. And we didn't even have to guard the money, the gang members stood guard for us, fetched Bobbie anything she wanted and even brought burgers and drinks for the rest of us.

Steve and I watched on Ebay as tanks and motorcycles signed by Bobbie turned up for sale in California within hours of the time Bobbie signed the first tank. We knew they were counterfeit but what could we do? Suddenly our sweet little Bobbie had become a very hot commodity. And as much fun as Bobbie was having I knew she would never want to be thought of as a commodity.

Nor did I want her to be but the phones were ringing off the hook with calls from agents, publishers, toy manufacturers, movie makers, you name it. There was even a gun manufacturer that wanted to make a Bobbie Sonner edition fully automatic assault rifle in hot pink. I shouted a lot of profanities and hung up the phone on them without ever hearing their offer.

_________

Meanwhile, in Greensboro, the City Council was discussing changing the city motto from, "To be, rather than to seem" to "To seem, rather than to be." They were also erasing the historic names of city streets and replacing them with generic names in the hopes of seeming to be something they weren't ever going to be, namely, prosperous. You see, the Tall Whites and Grey Aliens who controlled the city were still stealing everything including the items that were nailed down.

The board of the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals announced they were planning to dismiss the only known human on their staff. Long hated by most of Greensboro's residents including myself I really hurt for the guy as I knew he didn't know what he'd gotten himself into when he came to Greensboro to take the job 15 years ago. Now, in order to save face for themselves the board was putting all the blame on him. I knew what he was going through as I'd been there myself. I wrote him a public letter of recommendation, posted it to the Internet and sent him an e-mail to show him where to find it. He deserved a lot better than the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals and I hoped he could find it.

The Grey Aliens were busy erasing our history, renaming streets, shopping centers and neighborhoods. They called it progress, a new beginning but some of us knew better. Some of us understood that to erase the past would only mean we would repeat the past. And to make us think they didn't exist they filmed prank videos of fake aliens doing things they never do.

__________


I watched from a distance as Bobbie and the Veggiecycle talked. "I don't know about all this," Bobbie said, "All these people, all this confusion, is this how being a leader is going to be?"

"Only if you let it," the Veggiecycle said. "So far you've done nothing to stop it."

"But I don't want to just tell them all to go away," Bobbie said. "That would hurt their feelings."

"It's a narrow road" the Veggicycle said as he began reciting another poem from his life.

"Narrow roads will test your skill,
keep you on the line,
teach respect, patience
and riding slow to make fast times.
Narrow roads will keep you sharp..."

"Do you have a poem for everything?" Bobbie asked.

"If he doesn't he'll make one up," I interrupted, "but he makes some very good points, don't you think?"

"He does," Bobbie agreed, "but what do I do?"

"Maybe it's not what you do," the Veggiecycle said, "but what they do."

"What does that mean?" Bobbie asked.

"You're a leader," I explained, "give them a task, a chore, instructions to follow."

"And you think they'll do it?" Bobbie asked.

"That's why they came," the Veggiecycle said.

"Just be careful what you ask," I added, "your influence and power is far greater than any of us know."

Bobbie started walking towards the door. "Where are you going?" I asked. "Do you know what you're going to tell them?"

"No," Bobbie answered, "but I saw some buds on Veggie this morning so I thought I'd go see if he's finally awake and maybe talk to him about it."

"You can't go wrong talking to the green dude," I said. "Take him that box right there, he'll love whats in it."

"What is it?" Bobbie asked as she picked up the box.

"Organic fertilizer," I answered. "You know, chicken poop. It's hot stuff when you're a hungry plant."

Bobbie just smiled. "I'll make sure he gets it."

Continue to  End Of The Innocence

Grilled

Bobbie and I were in Downtown Greensboro at Zeto Wine and Cheese having Korean food from the Urban Street Grill with a potential customer when my telephone rang. It was Bobbie's first sale but it was looking like she pretty much had the deal in the bag so I stepped to the side and took the call. "You need to get back here now," Donny said.

"Has someone died?" I asked. You see, Donny never explains much, he just says do it much like I'm prone to do.

"No," he shouted, "nobody died."

"Well," I said, "If nobody died then you've probably got time to explain to me why I need to drop a potential sale and come running back to Burlington from Downtown Greensboro."

"There's reporters everywhere," Donny said.

"What do they want?" I asked.

"I don't know," Donny grumbled. "I didn't talk to them. I don't do reporters, remember?"

Donny has always been shy. He didn't want me to publish this story because he's so shy. Then he tried to get me to write him out of the story which I couldn't do and still write the truth. Fact is, had it not been for Bobbie the story would have never been worth writing but when she emerged as a leader that changed everything. "Well why don't you go ask them what they want?" I asked.

"I'm not going out there," Donny said. "I'll just stay inside 'til they leave."

"You mean until the next shift comes in so those guys can go home to their wives and families," I said. " 'Cause that's what they're going to do if it takes them a month."

"You think so?" Donny asked.

"If there's that many reporters then evidently they think the story is big enough to merit keeping crews on the ground 24/7 until they get what they want," I explained. "We'll be there as soon as Bobbie closes this deal, okay?"

"Okay," Donny said, "just get here as fast as you can.

It's strange what scares people. Some people are scared of dogs, spiders and snakes. Donny isn't scared of any of those things. Some people are scared of heights or being in tiny spaces but not Donny. Donny will stand toe to toe with anyone unless that someone has a TV camera. Donny is scared of flying and justifiably so as he once took control of the quality control department of a major manufacturer of airplane parts and discovered that tens of thousands of defective parts had previously been shipped to almost every airplane manufacturer in the world. But why Donny has a phobia of reporters and television cameras-- even he hasn't a clue.

I walked back to where Bobbie was standing just in time to see the customer getting in his car. "How'd it go?" I asked. "Did he make a deposit on a motorcycle?"

"He paid in full," Bobbie said holding up a check. "I hope I didn't come down too much on the price?"

"Baby girl," I laughed, "you're two grand higher than we were expecting."

"Really?" Bobbie asked, "You mean it?"

"You bet I mean it," I replied, "After things die down at the shop you should talk to the other partners about a bonus."

"What do you mean, after things die down?" Bobbie asked.

I explained the reporters to Bobbie and was guessing they finally got their hands on the police reports from the incident at the Asheboro Zoo and had figured out where she lived and worked. If I was right there would be more reporters at her home so we rode to my place where we dropped off the bikes and switched to my Dodge Ram as I didn't want to push my way through crowds on motorcycles. By the time we got to Burlington every television station in 5 states must have been there as was my old friend Stewart Pittman of Fox8 in nearby High Point,  parked almost a block away on the side of the street in a long line of brightly colored media vehicles. I nodded at Stew, he knew what I meant. "That's Stewart," I said to Bobbie, "He's the one who will be doing your interview."

"How do you know?" Bobbie asked.

" 'Cause he's the only one we're going to let near you today." I answered.

"Why only him?" Bobbie asked.

"One," I answered, "he's a friend of mine and two, we can trust him not to hype the story just for ratings. Stew will do you right."

_________

Do I even need to mention local politics? Of course not. The tradirous Tall Whites, the Grey Aliens and a few token humans were still doing what they'd always done, just like they do everywhere. With the Republicans in charge of the house, senate and the govenor's office in Raleigh there would be no help from there either. And Washington? We'd have better odds of getting help from Moscow, Bejing or Tehran and their mutant rats.



Yeah, I know and locusts swarmed over Egypt and Israel. Well in case you didn't know, the corruption and greed forced on us by the Gray Aliens is a bigger plague than anything you ever read in the Bible and unlike rats and locusts, you can't eat Gray Aliens as their flesh and blood are poisonous to humans.

__________

Lemar and John had returned from lunch and were manning the gate by the time Bobbie and I turned into the driveway. "Where's Wooley and Steve?" I asked.

"Wooley is having lunch with his wife and Steve just called and said he'd be back with some parts in a few minutes," John answered.

"You and Lemar get both of them on the telephone and tell them to stay put right where they are while I get Bobbie inside the shop," I said.

"Too late," Lemar said, "Steve is coming down the street now."

"Plan B," I said, get Wooley on the phone and tell him to stay put until we call him."

I drove to the shop door, blew the horn, waited for Donny to open it and drove inside, let Bobbie get out then parked my truck outside and walked back in with Steve where we devised a plan to get Stewart and his camera equipment inside the shop without the throngs of cameramen and reporters who were bound to follow.

A few minutes later I walked out the back of the shop and disappeared through a gate most people don't know exists, walked around the block and made my way to where Stewart was waiting just outside his news van. "Long time no see," Stewart said extending his hand.

"Too long, Bro," I replied as I shook his hand, "How about I show you in the back gate?"

"You got a back gate big enough to drive in?" Stewart asked.

"No," I replied, "but I've got a car and driver waiting a couple miles away that can carry us right back in the front gate incognito."

"Sounds like a plan," Stewart smiled as he got behind the wheel. "Point me the way."

A few minutes later Wooley drove Stewart and I through the front gate and into the shop with a car loaded with Fox8 camera equipment. I then walked outside to the street where I explained to the reporters and camera crews there would be no interviews today. Upon hearing that the Burlington Police Department was happy to ask them to please clear the area though we had little doubt at least some of them would be back the next day.

Continue reading Hot Stuff

Life Is A Zoo

Back at the shop business was picking up. Of course business always picks up when people start riding more. Instead of getting their bikes ready in the winter when the shops are slow, most people wait until the weather is nice before they even remember they have a broken motorcycle parked in the back of the garage. And while we've never liked taking in customer repair work preferring to build and sell bikes instead, some customers just won't let you say no and are willing to pay enough money to make sure you don't. I guess that's why I got used to doing more riding in the winter than in summer.

John came into the shop one morning with an announcement, "I've got free passes for all of us to the North Carolina Zoo in Asheboro."

"Really," Steve said, "I haven't been there since my kids were small."

"Me neither," Wooley said."

"I took my granddaughter there a couple of years ago," Donny said. "It's a really great zoo."

"I used to go camping there before it was a zoo," I said. "We used to catch buckets full of rattlesnakes and cook 'em. But I've never been to the zoo there."

"Man, you need to go," Lemar said.

"Really," Bobbie agreed, "you don't know what you're missing out on."

Minutes later we were locking up the shop, mounting our bikes and making our way to Asheboro and the North Carolina Zoo.


________

What? You thought I was going to follow up on that encounter between Bobbie and I in the last episode? Like hell, I am. What do you think this story is, pornography? The chic's got class and I'll kick anyone's ass who says otherwise. Besides, what happens on the beach stays on the beach.

Back in Greensboro the Tall Whites on the City Staff announced the city budget deficit had gone from $6.5 Million Dollars to $7.1 Million Dollars. Their solution was to spend half a million dollars more to change all the signs and rename High Point Rd to an as yet undisclosed name.

That's right, SSDD.

________

We had only been inside the zoo a few minutes when we noticed several men inside the Africa Exibits who appeared to be tearing down the barriers that kept the animals in the zoo. "Hey," John asked one of the zoo workers, "are those guys supposed to be letting the animals out?"

"I don't think so," the zoo worker said. "I'll go ask my boss."

"Well you better hurry," Lemar shouted, "That guy over there just poked that elephant with a cattle prod!"

"And it's headed straight for Asheboro!" John shouted.

"Come on," Bobbie screamed as she ran towards the exit, "We've got to stop them!"

Everyone ran outside and to the parking lot where our bikes were waiting has hundreds of shocked elephants, rhinos, hippos, lions, gorillas ostriches, giraffes, zebras, African bush hogs and others ran wild, many of them for the first time in their lives, stampeding straight towards the City of Asheboro trampling down fences, small buildings and even a few houses along their way!

Of course, I didn't run. Well, maybe a few steps but I was soon out of breath. But I got to the Veggicycle as quickly as I could, strapped on my helmet and said, "You're driving, get me to the front of the line."

"She's riding really fast," the Veggiecycle said. "Are you sure you're up to going that fast?"

"No," I replied, "but do it anyway. I'm not going to let her die without me dying with her."

"One death wish coming up," the Veggiecycle warned as we launched on the fastest overland journey I've ever traveled in my entire life and faster than I plan to ever go again.

"Your speedometer just broke," I said.

"You can fix it," the Veggiecycle said.

"If I live long enough," I agreed.

We arrived on the edge of town where Bobbie had stopped her bike and got off to face the approaching herds. Somewhere in the blur we had passed the others who were now pulling up behind us. "What are you going to do?" I asked.

"Stop them," Bobbie said.

"How?" I asked. "How can you stop a stampeded?"

"I don't know?" Bobbie said as she started running towards them.

I tried to stop her. I ran after her as if she really was my own granddaughter, Or daughter. I ran as hard as I could run until the pain in my chest overwhelmed me, everything went black and I found myself face down in the dirt. The next thing I knew Donny, Steve and Wooley were lifting me from the ground as Lemar and John ran after Bobbie who was at least 300 yards ahead of them staring straight at a charging bull elephant!

There was nothing we could do.

"Shoot it," Lemar radioed. "You guys have guns, shoot it!"

"Handguns at this range," Steve radioed back. "Not a chance."

"What do we do?" John shouted.

"Nothing you can do," Wooley radioed back.

"Pray for a miracle," Donny radioed.

We watched as Bobbie stood facing the charging elephants, so tiny in comparison, knowing nothing any of us could do or say could change her fate. If there is even one of us who says he wasn't already balling his eyes out at that point I'll call him a liar to his face and gladly take my beating. We were at that point, six very broken hearted men, young, old, black and white for the fact is: there wasn't a single one of us who didn't love Bobbie more than we loved life itself. She had become for six men the very reason we did everything we did and at that moment our reason was about to die.

Bobbie raised both her arms straight from her body and stood there facing the charging bull elephant with open palms. We watched as it closed in on her, the other animals close behind. Then just when it appeared that we had lost Bobbie forever the raging bull stopped running and stared at her intently as the other animals stopped behind it.

The giant elephant then started roaring, rumbling, grunting and trumpeting a number of very angry sounding calls right in Bobbie's face. All the while Bobbie stood there motionless. After several minutes the elephant reached out with his trunk and touched Bobbie's head. Slowly, Bobbie brought first one hand then the other to rub the elephant's trunk.

"Gentlemen," I radioed having finally caught my breath. "I think we just witnessed something only a handful of soldiers in the history of the world have ever seen."

"Soldiers?" Lemar questioned.

"That's right," Steve said. "You're in the army now. You just witnessed the birth of one of the greatest leaders the world has ever known."

We rode slowly back to the zoo with most of the animals happy to follow Bobbie back to where they were supposed to be. A few remained loose but not so many that local authorities couldn't handle the job and none that were of any grave concern to humans. That evening, after I went home, Bobbie dropped by to talk with me. "Listen," Bobbie asked, "about that night on the beach."

"What about it?" I asked. "You had a little much to drink and you passed out."

"But I kissed you," Bobbie said.

"You must have been dreaming," I laughed. "You never kissed me."

"I didn't," Bobbie asked, "are you sure?"

"You don't think I'd remember being kissed by someone as hot as you," I answered.

"I would hope so," Bobbie said.

"Believe me," I said, "a kiss from a hottie like you would be a life changing experience for a lonely old man like me. I could never forget it. But it never happened, okay?"

"Then I dreamed it?" Bobbie asked.

"That's right," I said, "You must have dreamed it."

"But why would I dream something like that?" Bobbie asked.

"Who knows," I answered. "Over the years I've had lots of crazy dreams. I've even talked to my many therapists about them."

"What did they say?" Bobbie asked.

"The quacks told me all kinds of BS about how it was my inner self expressing myself or how I was seeing my future." I answered.

"And the ones who weren't quacks?" Bobby asked. "What did they say about your dreams?"

"Same thing I told you," I replied, "Who knows?"

"Too bad," Bobbie smiled as she got on her bike to ride home.

"Yeah, too bad," I said as I turned to look the other way so she wouldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. I was thinking I might need to call my therapist and see if he can work me in.

Continue to Grilled.

Full Moon

We had quite the party that night. Wooley's friend, the buyer of the trike was ecstatic with his new toy. And the fact that we had wrung it out on the way down didn't bother him at all. After all, it was under warranty just like every new bike we sell.

Of course, because of the medications my doctors give me I'n not allowed to drink so I finally decided to walk outside where things were a little quieter and watch the waves crash on the beach under the light of the full moon. "Something wrong?" the Veggicycle asked.

"What makes you think that?" I questioned.

"Well," he replied, "for starters you answered my question with a question."

"And that means there's something wrong?" I asked.

"And secondly," the Veggiecycle added, "you're trying to change the subject."

"No I'm not," I argued.

"And thirdly," he continued, "you're becoming argumentative with a motorcycle."

"Okay," I laughed, "you caught me. There is something wrong. I just don't want to talk about it."

"It's Margaretta," the Veggiecycle said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Margaretta," the Veggiecycle explained. "The girl from the cantina down in Mexico."

"I haven't seen her in over thirty years," I growled.

"That's not true," he said. "You see Margaretta every time you see Bobbie."

"How would you know?" I grumbled. "You couldn't even talk then."

"No," he agreed, "I couldn't talk then but I could see just like everyone else could see. You risked life and limb to be with her. Even Veggie Head Stalker couldn't drag you out of that cantina without her. When those banditos tried to chase you away you fought them all until they almost killed you. They would have killed you had Veggie not knocked you unconscious and dragged you out of there."

"Veggie, knocked me unconscious!" I shouted. "I thought one of the banditos knocked me out! You just wait 'til we get back to Burlington, I'll show ol' Veg Head a thing or..."

"Why all the shouting, Grandpa?" a soft voice from behind me spoke. I turned around to see it was Bobbie. "It's a beautiful night and being that I've already had a few drinks I was hoping you would take me for a ride along the beach road."

"I was kinda hoping that extra seat might help me find some hot babe," I said. "Hoping I might get lucky away from home."

"I don't know about lucky," Bobbie smiled, "but do you think you're apt to find much hotter than me?"

"Put your helmet on," I smiled, "and watch where you put your hands."

_________
Intermission


_________

We rode north along the Outer Banks with the Atlantic Ocean to our right and the Inter-coastal Waterway to our left Bobbie holding on her arms around my waist. I imagined myself 35 years younger and what I might do. The Veggicycle had been right, I did see Margaretta every time I looked at Bobbie. The resemblance was uncanny. Even the way she moved, her riding style, her hobbies, waiting tables for a living, working on and riding bikes... those were all things Margaretta did. And Bobbie was brilliant, worldly and wise like Margaretta had been. I guess Veggie knocking me out had been for the best. The cantina was already fully engulfed in flames when we got there and I could see Margaretta on fire as I tried to fight my way past the banditos to pull her out but there was no way I would have survived. They had beaten me almost to death as it was. I swore that someday I would go back and kill them all but I never set foot in Mexico again. I was just too scared to go back.

I found a nice place to pull over and parked the bike. "Look what I got," Bobbie said reaching into the pockets of her jacket. "Salt and a lemon but no Tequila. It fell out of my pocket."

"I got Tequila in my saddlebag," I said. "You want some?"

"But I thought you didn't drink?" Bobbie asked.

"Not in several years," I answered, "Somebody gave it to me and told me to keep it until I found somebody special to share it with."

"What was her name?" Bobbie asked.

"What was who's name," I answered with a question.

"The woman who gave you the Tequila and told you to share it with somebody special," Bobby said.

"Margaretta," I answered.

"What was Margaretta like?" Bobbie asked.

"Like you," I said. "Young, beautiful, smart, good with her hands, a great leader."

"You were in love with her?" Bobbie asked.

"In some ways I still am," I answered.

"I'll drink to that," Bobbie grinned.

I opened the bottle and handed it to her, "Careful, this is the real deal."

"How will I know when I become a great leader?" Bobbie asked.

"Beats me," I said, "I've never been much of a leader."

"But you are a leader," Bobbie said.

"I just step in and take over when no one else can or will," I replied. "I drag people into following me. People follow great leaders because they want to follow them."

"You didn't drag me in," Bobbie said.

"No I didn't," I replied looking up at the full moon. "I seduced you."

"I beg your pardon," Bobbie questioned. She was already a little tipsy.

"With a paycheck," I explained. "I seduced you with a weekly paycheck."

"You mean a weak paycheck," Bobbie smiled.

"That too," I admitted, "None of you make as much as I wish we could pay you but did you know I draw the smallest paycheck in the entire company?"

"Why?" Bobbie asked.

"Because I need all of you more than I need the money," I answered.

"You're a sweet grandpa," Bobbie said. Then she kissed me.

"Careful," I said. "I may look like a sweet grandpa but I'm still a dirty old man.

"I'm safe with you," Bobbie laughed. "You couldn't live with yourself if you let anything bad happen to me."

The excitement of a long day had caught up with her. Two shots later she was passed out and sleeping by my side. I screwed the cap on the bottle and did what grandpas do-- I gave her the blanket out of my saddlebag and watched her sleep until morning. Don't let anybody tell you hot young babes don't snore. When they're passed out drunk on the beach they all snore. Grandpas know.

Continue to Life Is A Zoo

Putting Out Fires

"So," Bobbie asked as we stood before the Tall White Congress, "with all your technology and your ability to move between dimensions, are you not capable of destroying the Grey Aliens once and for all?"

"We could destroy them tomorrow," a Tall White answered.

"Or a thousand years ago," another Tall White added. "Time is no obstacle to us."

"But," the first Tall White continued, "that would make us just like them so we treat them like a simple annoyance until they expend so much time and energy they can no longer afford to attack us."

"But why not get it over with?" Bobbie asked. "They started it, right?"

"Because one cannot prepare for war and peace at the same time," another Tall White informed us. "Someday you will teach the same to your kind."

"You mean when I become a great leader?" Bobbie asked. "I'm not so sure about that."

"We mean when you assume your roll," yet another Tall White spoke, "You are already a great leader, you've just not yet learned your true abilities."

"We have repaired the damages to your machines," another Tall White spoke, "and are ready to return you to your time and place."

We said our goodbyes then they lead us back to our bikes where they had us line up in exactly the same positions we were in when they pulled us from our own dimension. Then we were instructed to ride as fast as Bobbie could make the trike go while staying in formation until after we were back to where we were supposed to be. "Keep it tight," I radioed the others. "There's no room for mistakes. Bobbie, that trike should top end at about 110, let's see if I'm right. Lemar, keep up the best you can in that truck."

"Eddy current generators on," Donny reminded us. "On my mark, roll on the throttle now!"

_________

Back in Greensboro, Auction Greensboro and the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals had recreated themselves as the Young Greensboro Profits with the full financial backing of the Grey Aliens and their cronies. Different name, different faces, same puppet-masters. It was as if nothing had ever changed. They had gotten away with murder and everyone knew it. In a city of 280 thousand people the media acted as if a new grocery story was the biggest media event of the year so they wouldn't have to report any real news.

Politicans talked about the need to create jobs so they created schools to teach people how to wait tables and change sheets on hotel beds and awarded 2 year associates degrees while calling it a higher education.

Me, I mostly wanted to take what time I had left, get on my bike and ride away. I was lonely, tired and restless. I was used to a life of traveling alone and as miserable as traveling alone made me I still longed for it. For me life really was a highway and anything else just seemed to add confusion to my life. Besides, I had forbidden feelings for someone. It's hard enough having a bad heart without having a broken heart as well. Maybe going away would help put out the fire.

And the good news: a new kind of justice had come to Greensboro.

Photo via Don Moore of GreensboroSports.com
_________

We had accelerated to just under 100 miles per hour when we suddenly found ourselves back on Interstate 40 headed towards the beach. "They're right behind me!" Lemar shouted, "They're gaining on me!"

"Everybody stay in the throttle," I said, "We've got to out run them."

"They're still gaining on me," Lemar shouted, "what can I do?"

"Turn off your eddy current generator," Donny radioed, "that will put a little more power in your ignition system, maybe give you some more speed."

"I'm topped out," Bobbie said, "It's floating the valves, the rest of you are going to have to pass me to get out of their way!"

"There's still plenty of room between Bobbie and Lemar," I radioed, "Everybody give him as much room as you can."

"You guys go ahead and save yourselves," Bobbie screamed. "We'll do the best we can."

"No need to play dead hero yet," I said, "The rest of us can get out of this any time we want. It's you and Lemar we're trying to save."

"He's bumping me!" Lemar shouted "What do I do now?"

"The bumper!" John shouted, "let him have your rear bumper like we did before."

"You mean it still does that?" Lemar shouted.

"It sure does," Wooley shouted, "John helped Steve and I put it back together. When he gets up close push the button and let him have some steel!"

Seconds later as the truck closed in again Lemar pushed the button dropping the heavy steel bumper right in front of the tires of the attacking rig causing both front tires to blow out and the driver to lose control. In seconds all the rigs were sliding, spinning and rolling across Interstate 40! "Man, what a mess!" Lemar said looking back at his mirror.

"Let's get out of the throttle," Steve said, "before we end up splattered all over the traffic in front of us."

"I'll drink to that," Wooley said. "I'm too old for these high speed chases."

"And I'm too young," Lemar agreed.

"So," I asked, "who wants to go to the beach?"

Continue to Full Moon

Aporkalypse Now

"Look," Lemar said looking out a window, "the solders are keeping the others away from our bikes. Even the service truck."

"We haven't used internal combustion engines in over a thousand years," the Tall White explained. "To us, you and your machines are like museum artifacts come to life."

"Do you not like ICEs," John asked.

"We were once as addicted to internal combustion as you are," the Tall White explained. "But moving our civilization underground forced us to abandon all forms of combustion as a means to generate energy. We simply couldn't filter the air fast enough to keep it safe to breath."

"That makes sense," Lemar said.

"Yeah," Wooley added, "Carbon Monoxide is deadly."

"So how do you power everything?" Donny asked.

"We have a number of different sources of power available to us," the Tall Alien answered. "Above ground we have solar farms and wind installations much like your people are beginning to build. We also harvest electricity from the atmosphere much like your Nikola Tesla proposed."

"Do you use nuclear power?" Lemar asked.

"Not anymore," the Tall White explained. "Burying the waste is not an option when you live underground."

"So why do you live underground?" Bobbie asked.

"Because like your kind is doing to your Earth," the Tall White explained, "We did so much damage to our environment that life above ground was no longer possible. And unlike the Grey Aliens who continue to take what they want from other worlds, we made the decision that we must make it here on Earth in our own dimension."

"But don't you travel between dimensions?" Bobbie asked.

"Only in the interest of advancing our knowledge and keeping the Grey Aliens at bay," the Tall White explained. "We take nothing from the other dimensions we visit and try not to leave behind footprints even though we sometimes do."

"Kind of like Boy Scouts," Wooley joked.

"As a matter of fact," the Tall White explained, "General Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the scouting movement was the first of your kind to visit us due to a Grey Alien dimensional disturbance during the Second Boer War. Had we not got him back in time the British would have most likely lost the Siege of Mafeking and the war."

"So how do they keep finding me?" Bobbie asked. "I got rid of mt phone."

"Like thousands of young people in your country," the Tall White answered, "you, John and Lemar are bugged. The Grey Aliens always know where you are."

"Bugged," John asked, "how can we be bugged?"

"For years now, the Grey Aliens have brainwashed American doctors into putting bugs into their young patients. Some are bugged at birth by placing the tiny bug into the opening before the umbilical cord is tied off, others are bugged later in life when they have need for common childhood surgeries," the Tall White explained.

"So they're going to keep trying to kill me?" Bobbie asked.

"If they can find you," the Tall White answered, "but when you walked into this building our scanners detected all your bugs and reprogrammed them to send out false signals so they'll spend their time looking where you're not."

"You did that for me?" Bobbie asked.

"Well," the Tall White explained, "for you and for our own safety as well."

_________



Back in Greensboro the truth was again coming out. The Mayor and City Council had successfully worked to eliminate safe housing laws state wide at the request of the areas many slum lords. The result had been cases of lead poisoning, deaths from exposure to poisonous molds, people freezing to death and tenants dying in fires because they were forced to heat their homes via unsafe means. And yet with all this information finally being made public in the Greensboro News & Record thanks to its recent purchase by Billionaire investor, Warren E. Buffett, everything remained the same, the Grey Aliens and their co-conspirators, both Human and Tall White, remained in total control.

Why won't they let us hunt them down like the swine they are?

___________

Our time with the Tall Whites was spent learning about how they lived and their beliefs. While quite advanced they were not that different than we are. I think having destroyed the surface of Earth in their dimension forced them to place profits, personal gain, religion and political ideologies second to the survival of their very species.

Personal travel for them is accomplished mostly by moving between dimensions giving them access to time and space. Only occasionally, like when under attack by the Grey Aliens do they resort to physical forms of transportation like the giant transporter that appeared in the canal. Even at 600 miles per hour it was deemed too slow for their everyday needs as their cities are often hundreds of miles apart. That said. the most common form of urban transportation they use is walking and gyroscopic bicycles that literally won't fall down.

There are no wild animals, no one has pets of any kind and the only animals their children see are in zoos. They're attempting to keep species alive and unchanged but most are so acclimated to living with the Tall Whites they fear they will never be able to live in the wild when their Earth finally repairs itself. Others mutated to adapt to the subterranean existence and simply aren't the same animals they were when they were brought underground thousands of years ago.

Even with all their technology they had been unable to reverse all the damage they had done.

What we found most fascinating was the Tall White form of government as it left very little room for corruption. As soon as children started school they began participating in their own governance as much as children could be trusted to do so. They learned about and experimented with the many forms of government while still in school and in the end they always decided on the system in use by the Tall Whites at their local, regional and world wide levels.

While relatively simple as far as governance goes, the strength of the Tall White's form of government was in its simplicity and almost complete participation buy those who were being governed. A highly educated populace was required to prove its proficiency in knowledge of government with regular testing. Those who scored low would be required to go back to school until they reached retirement age when they were then given the option of opting out of serving in government. That's right, everyone was subject to be called to serve on government boards from the lowest local boards to the highest levels of their congress.

This was accomplished not through elections but through a series of lotteries much like the way juries are selected in our own courts. Even their highest levels of congress included citizens from every walk of life. Several levels of congress, single terms and the constant rotation of highly trained citizens to political offices made bribery and political crimes all but impossible.

The graft and corruption that has burdened every form of government ever known to Humans still existed for them but it was only a minor problem. And most often it could be quickly corrected and its perpetrators punished. Morally, the Tall Whites claimed to be no different than humans with greed, jealousy, pride, ego, bigotry, intolerance, corruption and crime all still existing among their people but their form of government reduced the negative effects.

One way it reduced the negative effects was by having the working class serve alongside the wealthy on the various governmental boards and councils. It made it very difficult for a ruling class to emerge when there was always a vote on the board to keep them in check.

The fact that boards, councils and congress were chosen by lottery rather than by election meant that campaigning and thus campaign funding, as well as unfounded campaign promises, were no longer necessary. Those who served were free to serve and not bound to those who paid to help get them voted into office. There were no political parties, no constant efforts to take the government in a different direction. Instead, each issue was decided on its own merits.

Was it perfect? The Tall Whites admitted it wasn't. They had made changes in their system over the years and expected to always be making slight changes. Sometimes the system didn't work and boards couldn't decide. Other boards seemed to be dysfunctional. The good news was they wouldn't be stuck with the same dysfunctional board the next term. The bad news: the next board might also be dysfunctional. But usually things worked out for the best.

Continue to Putting Out Fires

Crashing The Gate

The next thing we knew we found ourselves driving in a tunnel with a canal to our left and another road on the other side of the canal. "What the..." John said.

"Keep the chatter down," Donny interrupted. "Cut speed by half, John, you take point, Steve and Wooley second row. Bobbie you take the middle and the rest of us will bring up the rear. Eddy current generators on."

"But this trike doesn't have an eddy current generator," Bobbie said.

"That's why I put you in the middle," Donny said, "Lemar, keep an eye out behind. Anybody know where we're at?"

"This looks like where the Tall Whites found us," Steve said.

"But the street lights are brighter," Wooley added.

"Well how did we get here?" Donny asked.

"I donno," Bobbie said, "but I'm glad there are no trucks around."

"Tug boat ahead," John warned.

"I don't think we need to worry about it," Steve said. "They're driven by robots and won't pay us any mind."

"Let's hope so," Donny said.

"So much for keeping the chatter down," I laughed. No one else seemed to think it funny.

We rode for over an hour seeing nothing but the occasional tug boat pushing a barge along the canal, no scenery, no rest stops, nothing but straight road as far as the eye could see. Finally, in the distance we saw what appeared to be a gate of sorts. It would be another half an hour of riding and a stop to refuel the bikes from the tank on the pick-up before we would finally arrive. "Bobbie," I said as we were refueling, "I want you in the truck, Lamar can ride one of the bikes and I'll take my chances on the trike."

"But why you?" Bobbie said, "why not one of the rest of us."

"Because I'm the one with the bad heart," I answered. "The rest of you still have your health and I want to try and keep it that way."

Bobbie stood there looking like she was in shock. Steve, Donny and Wooley looked at the ground. "Is that true?" Bobbie asked. "How long have you known?"

"About a month now," I answered.

"And them?" she asked. "How long have they known?"

"About the same," I said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I didn't want to burden you," I said.

"But you're almost like my grandpa," she cried. "How could you not tell me?"

"You're right," I said, "but right now's not the time. Right now we've got to go find out what's beyond that gate. You can be upset or mad with me later, okay."

"Okay," Bobbie said as she wiped a tear from her eye.

"Good," I said, "Now everyone mount up and get ready to crash that gate."

________

Back in Greensboro it was politics as usual. The grand experiment we call democracy was an object failure, graft and kickbacks were the rule. The Aliens were in charge of everything. Auction Greensboro had the entire city on the chopping block and a top of the fold front page story in the local paper of record had proven what we all knew would happen all along--  the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals were going to get away with all their crimes despite the fact that everything had played out in the local blogosphere and all the evidence was there for the world to see. Every rebuttal began with "He's a blogger with an agenda," but never once was the agenda made known. And yet that was good enough for investigators, police and the media who never even bothered to begin the investigations that might prove the bloggers right or wrong.

________

A few more minutes of riding and we found ourselves at the gate. A large contingent of Tall Whites stood on the other side in what appeared to be military uniforms, all heavily armed and facing our direction. We stood there a couple of minutes not saying a word when suddenly a huge black vehicle appeared in the distance behind us traveling faster than any of us had ever seen anything move on dry land before. "I hope they plan to open that gate," Lemar said, "and let us get out of the way."

"You've no need to fear," a Tall White spoke from behind the gate. It was the same Tall White that had spoken to us before. "That is our congress coming to meet you."

The gates opened, the solders stood aside and we rode into the city, the streets lined with Tall Whites and their children as if we were in a parade route. In a couple of minutes we found ourselves in front of what appeared to be a large coliseum like structure. "I always knew it," the Veggiecycle said.

"Knew what?" I asked.

"I always knew there had to be So Much More," he answered.

"Another poem?" I asked. "Now?"

"Through valleys low and mountains high
we traveled through it all.
It seemed we had been everywhere,
the greatest we'd seen fall..."
We parked our bikes and walked inside where hundreds if not thousands of Tall Whites lined the isles to show us the way. "We hope you find the accommodations comfortable," a Tall White said. "Be assured you and your machines are perfectly safe here and that we will keep you here no longer than is necessary to make the calculations and the necessary adjustments to our equipment to return you to your proper time and place."

"How did we get here," Bobbie asked.

"We witnessed the attempt on your lives," the Tall White explained. "We had planned to move you just far enough to allow your escape but the Grey Aliens started bombarding us and our equipment became unstable. We almost lost you altogether but at the last second were able to bring you to us."

"Well," I said, "I'm glad you did."

"So why is it your congress wants to meet with us?" Steve asked.

"Yeah," Wooley said, "They didn't come out to meet Steve and I when we were here before."

"That is because the two of you are not legend," the Tall White answered pointing at Bobbie. "But she is."

Bobbie didn't speak a word.

Continue to  Aporkalypse Now

Beach Trip

We finished putting the final touches on the Wackemall Tadpole Trike before Noon and Donny said, "Who wants to wake up at the beach tomorrow?"

"We all do," Lemar said.

"Good," Donny said, "'Cause you're driving the service truck while all the rest of us ride bikes and take turns trying out the new trike."

"Really?" Bobbie said, "We're going to the beach?"

"That's right," Wooley said. "The guy who bought the trike is a friend of mine and he's invited all of us to come down and visit when we deliver the trike."

"So when are we leaving?" John asked.

"As soon as you can get home, pack a bag, get back here and throw it in the truck," Steve answered.

"You don't have to tell me twice," Lemar shouted as he ran towards the door.

"Me neither," John said.

"Hey guys, wait up," Bobbie shouted. "I rode to work with you today, remember?"

"Remember when we used to be like that," I said as the three of them ran out the door.

"You can remember back that far?" Donny laughed.

"No," I laughed, "but I was hoping the rest of you could remind me of what it was like."

"Don't look at me," Wooley said. "I got over beach trips when it changed from sleeping on the beach for free to renting hotel rooms for all the in-laws."

"Amen to that," Steve said. "Well hopefully your friend won't change his mind once we get there."

"If he does we'll "lose" the keys to his trike," Wooley laughed holding his fingers to represent quotes.

"So what did your wife say about you taking off?" I asked.

"She's glad to have me out of her hair," Wooley said. "She deserves a break."

"You're a lucky man," Steve said.

"What?" Wooley asked, "The fact that I'm still married?"

"No," Donny replied, "The fact that she hasn't killed you with her service weapon. Not many bikers could survive being married to a cop."

"I know when to shut my mouth," Wooley smiled.

"Had I learned that I might still be married," I said.

"It's never too late," Steve said.

"It ain't going to happen," Donny laughed. "No woman wants an old dog that's not already house broken."

"Nobody knows me better than my little brother," I laughed. "Let's look over that trike one last time while the kids are packing their bags."

"So," the Veggiecycle said, "I hear we're going on a trip."

"We sure are," I answered.

"I'm due for an oil change, you know."

"I've got some brand new synthetic oil just for you," I said.

"Good," the Veggiecycle said. "That stuff feels good inside. I guess I'll have to burn pump gas on the way back."

"Nope," Wooley said, "Steve and I installed a brand new second tank in the service truck and filled it to the top with Brian's Kudzu Super Fuel. Enough to get us all there and back."

"Where's Brian Heagney been lately?" the Veggicycle asked. "I haven't seen him around in a while."

"He's busy earning a living and taking care of his little girl," I answered. "In a few years, when she becomes a teenager and starts ignoring him, then he'll have time to come back around."

"How do you know she'll start ignoring him?" the Veggiecycle asked.

"Trust me, it happens to all fathers," Wooley said.

"Sometimes more than once," Steve agreed.

"So is everybody riding?" the Veggicycle asked.

"Everybody but Lemar," I answered. "He's stuck driving the truck."

"I remember how much fun those rides used to be," the Veggiecycle said as he began to recite Bored And Stroked, another of the tales of his previous life with Veggie Head Stalker.

Two by two we made our way
to blaze a trail of glory,
change the world, have some fun
and write our own life's story.
We'd celebrate by running great...

"Well that does it," I said, "Your oil is changed. Anything else you need before we go?"

"My buddy seat," the Veggiecycle said. "You never know when I might get lucky."

"Yeah," I laughed, "your luck's running better than mine. One buddy seat coming up."

________

The world being what it is, some things stay the same and some things never change. And hacks will always write with sad, worn out clichés. Who was I but a hack? "Why are you even writing this crap?" Donny asked me. "You know nobody believes a word of it."

"I know," I replied, "but if I don't let the words get out of me I feel as if I'm going to explode."

"Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist?" Donny asked.

"I see my therapist once a week," I replied.

"What does your therapist tell you?" Donny asked.

"To write what's on my mind," I answered.

"And all of this nonsense is on your mind?" Donny asked.

"I guess so," I answered.

"I'm having you committed," Donny said.

"After I finish writing our story," I replied. "Then I'll go."

________

We were almost to Raleigh on Interstate 40 with Bobbie leading on the trike and Lemar bringing up the rear in the service truck when we found ourselves in the center lane with tractor-trailers lined up nose to tail on either side of us. "Are those trucks supposed to be in the left lane?" Bobbie radioed.

"No they're not," I replied,"Let's pick up the pace so they can have this center lane and we can get out of their way. I don't like being boxed in like this."

We began to pick up speed but before we could clear the front of the line the trucks to the left and right began to close in on us. We quickly went from staggered formation to single file and continued to accelerate but the trucks closed in even tighter! "They're too close!" Bobbie shouted. "I can't get through!"

"And they're getting closer!" Lemar shouted. "What are we going to do?"

"Start slowing down," Wooley shouted, "Let them have the road!"

"No good!" Lemar shouted. "They're already bumping me!"

"We have got to find a better way to make deliveries," Bobbie shouted, "This is not fun!"

We all watched as the sparks began to fly as the two trucks closed in on Bobbie with no way out...

Continue to Crashing The Gate

Wipeout

"Did you see today's paper?" Bobbie asked. "Not a word about us."

"Nothing in the Burlington paper either," Wooley said.

"Nothing on radio, TV or the Internet," Steve added.

"It's like the whole day just got wiped out," Bobbie said.

"Not even a blogger?" I asked.

"That's a good thing," Donny said. "I don't like being in the news."

"Dude," I complained, "Do you realize how much business we could have gained from something like that? We'd have to hire a second shift."

"Maybe a third," Steve said.

"Too many problems," Donny said.

"Those are the kinds of problems we want to have," Wooley said.

"He's just camera shy," I explained. "He's even shy that I've written him into this story."

"Donny, shy?" Bobbie laughed. "I would have never knew it."

"So Donny," Lemar asked, "we've all been wondering how you knew to use Bobbie's remote control to unlock the bread ties on Marikay?"

"Yeah," John asked, "Are you some kind of mad scientist or something?"

Donny explained that as Bobbie was flying the helicopter to the roof with the bucket full of smoke grenades that he was jumping back and forth between cameras trying to keep track of everything that was going on inside and outside and that he thought he had seen Marikay almost get loose while the chopper was going up. So while we were in the room struggling to free her he found the videos and replayed them comparing the time stamps to one another and guessed the interference from the remote control was overriding the controls for the bread ties.

"So while we were risking getting shot at," John said, "you were watching movies."

"And thank goodness he was!" Lemar shouted. "Thank goodness he was!"

"Okay," Donny said, "enough talking, we've got a customer expecting to pick up a Wackemall Tadpole Trike tomorrow and it's not finished. Everybody back to work."

_________

I was hesitant to record this chapter. I feared people reading someday might think me literally insane. Up until now all the communications with Interdimensional Beings had been by others. The Tall Whites and the Grey Alien we captured? They could have been in costume. And who was to say Veggie Head Stalker's story was real, I just wrote what he told me to write and everyone knew it. Was he a plant or a guy wearing green makeup? But this time it was different, this time it was I who actually talked with the Interdimensional Beings. Before I could always claim only to be the messenger passing along what I had been told but now I'm the one everybody will view with skepticism. As one who has spent much of his life trying to establish and maintain credibility, telling the world that you have actually met and spoken to Interdimensional Beings is not an easy sell.

At least not in this dimension.

In Greensboro, North Carolina the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals had long flaunted their interdimensional status in the face of the entire city. It was over the heads of most people so most never caught on but it quickly caught the attention of politicians, Grey Aliens and other white collar criminals who were constantly on the lookout for new means to power. So they gave money and power to the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals in the hopes of getting what they wanted.

In the case of the Grey Aliens, they wanted the ability to easily move between dimensions without disrupting entire planets and never knowing when and where they'd end up but the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals, like other Tall Whites that had been banned from their own dimension kept secret the fact that they no longer possessed the technology to accurately travel between dimensions. What had long been a truce between the Tall White traitors and the Grey Aliens was now beginning to unravel.

The effects were being felt by the politicans and other white collar criminals as well. With influence fading, the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals and other traitorous Tall Whites could no longer keep the Greys at bay. And the Greys cared nothing of Humans or Tall Whites. They were here solely to exploit the Earth's resources and had they not happened upon the Tall Whites ability to travel between dimensions at will they would have wiped out both races thousands of years ago. The ability to maintain reliable interdimensional pathways would give them the ability to transport materials and resources faster than they could collect or process them and provide what would seem like endless supply at almost zero cost. A race with that kind of technology could become the master race if they so wanted to and the Grey Aliens wanted to.

We should consider ourselves lucky the benevolent Tall Whites considered such practices forever forbidden.

An announcement was made that the FredX conference would be coming to Greensboro and speakers were chosen. When I first heard of it I checked it out and discovered the financial backing was coming from the Knitter Foundation, a group with close ties to the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals and Auction Greensboro as well as the Guilford Partnership. I knew it was another dog and pony show but didn't say anything. When the speakers were announced the only one anyone wanted to see was Josephus III. Other than Josephus it was all the same thing that had been killing our city for the last 50 years.

________

We were busy working on the trike when the Veggicycle started shouting, "Incoming, incoming! Ready weapons, take cover! incoming!"

We checked the windows, checked the moniters and saw nothing out of the ordinary. "Are you sure?" Bobbie asked, her sawed-off 20 gauge pump gun at the ready. "There's nothing out there."

"It's out there," the Veggiecycle said, "and now it's in here!" We looked around to see ourselves surrounded by Tall Whites all heavily armed, weapons pointing in our direction.

"That's an interesting machine," one of the Tall Whites spoke. "It seems to see from one dimension to the next. Does it also travel between dimensions?"

"First I heard of it," I answered.

"You will not need your weapons," the Tall White stated. "Had we planned to kill you we would have begun firing from another dimension and arrived after you were dead."

"So why all the high tech hardware?" Bobbie asked.

"In case we run into our mutual friends, the ones who kidnapped your city councilwoman yesterday," the Tall White answered. "They seldom give us time to talk before firing on us and they sometimes manage to cross dimensions. They are quite the annoyance."

"You got that right," Wooley said.

"Ah," the Tall White said, "I see you and Steve did find your way back. Good."

"We're slightly out of time," Steve said, "but we made it back safe and sound."

"Yes, we were all slightly out of time because of the Alien disruption," the Tall White explained. "I got home just in time to watch my mother being born. Of course, unlike you I was able to get back into the proper time eventually."

"It doesn't matter," Wooley said, "we know enough to change some of the things that went wrong."

"Sadly, so do they," the Tall White said. "So is this one Bobbie?"

"Why do you ask?" I questioned.

"They will come for her again," the Tall White cautioned. "You cannot protect her forever. We would like to take her with us to a safer place where they cannot find her and train her in our advanced ways of government and technology."

"Ah, I don't think so," Bobbie said, "I'd rather stay here.

"Does she have a choice?" I asked.

"Of course she has a choice," The Tall White said. "Like your kind we believe in free will. We came to let her know the offer stands today and will always stand. She will be a great leader and we intend to do our part to make sure that happens but great leaders cannot be forced to become great leaders, they must chose it. When she is ready to make that choice we will return for her.

"Thanks," Bobbie said, "but I'm only 23, can my being a great leader wait a while longer?"

"Of course it can," he smiled. Then, he looked at us and with the rest of the Tall Whites began to sing.


"See you around, Dude."

Continue to Beach Trip

Broken

Isa was a nervous wreck by the time I got there. A big man, able bodied, proud and used to handling things on his own, he was more than just frustrated that he had been unable to stop Marikay's abduction, he was livid and like any loving husband would be, broken. Had it been my wife I'm sure I would have been the same.

While the Greensboro Police Department was busy stumbling all over themselves looking for clues I had Donny go online and access Isa's home security system using the information Isa gave us. Hacking is so much easier when you actually begin with passwords and access codes. It was there we found the image of an Alien outside the window just as Isa had told me on the phone.




Photo courtesy of Carol Newsome Photography

_________

The trees and flowerpots, even the benches Downtown-- the few that remained-- were mostly broken. The Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals bragged about the many tons of garbage they picked up but when we got there we found foxes and coyotes eating from trash on the streets and sidewalks oblivious to the noise coming from the rooftop clubs and parking garage parties so common Downtown. Why the city was trying to close down the parking garage parties never made any sense to me anyway. Why not make them official City events and charge admission instead? The infrastructure is there, the crowd is there, the party is there-- the only thing that wasn't there was profits for the City of Greensboro. But like everybody always says about Greensboro, that makes too much sense.

Our young people were leaving the city in droves. All it took was one trip to Nashville, Memphis, Atlanta or even Roanoke and they were dreaming of going away forever. Auction Greensboro talked about all the things they were doing to keep young people from moving away but in the end, like the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals, they were no more than a publicly funded cheerleader squad performing only for each other.

"What's on your mind?" The Veggiecycle asked.

"You probably wouldn't understand," I said.

"Try me," he insisted. "You never know."

"Ah," I moaned, "It's as if the whole world is coming apart, everything is broken and there's nothing I can do to stop it."

"I know that feeling," he said, "I remember one time when Veggie and I were rushing to an emergency and my chain started to break." It was then he started to recite, Chain Drive, one of the many silly poems he would tell us over the years.

You never keep it oiled enough.
Its adjustment you ignore.
Without it I am nothing
but to touch it you deplore...

"So you really did have a break down once?" I asked.

"Oh I broke down lots of times in the early years," he said, "but by the time you met Veggie I had learned how to warn him before it was too late."

Of course, his experiences had nothing to do with what I was going through but the knowledge that Veggie hadn't built the perfected motorcycle meant there was still hope we might invent it yet. And for that I was happy.

___________

Bobbie stopped by the hobby shop to pick up a remote control toy helicopter and a Go Pro video camera. John and Lemar helped Steve and Wooley load up tools and weapons back at the shop while Donny called a friend of ours who just happened to work for the company that installs and maintains video surveillance cameras for the City of Greensboro. With his help, Donny was able to watch the entire city from a single laptop though several would have made the job easier. And GPD never knew we were watching. As a matter of fact, because this same company also installed many privately owned surveillance cameras we now had access to many more cameras than even the police. Believe me, most of them you don't want to see.

In less that an hour we were all converging on Downtown Greensboro. While on the way there I called up Danny Bayer a friend of mine who owns a small recording studio at the artists co-op Downtown and asked him to bring his PA equipment and some sound effects recordings to meet us there. Minutes later we all met on the street just outside the former bank high rise turned Alien headquarters.

As Bobbie and Wooley attached the Go Pro camera to front of the remote control helicopter and Steve loaded a bucket full of smoke grenades to be carried to the ventilation shaft on the roof of the building by the tiny chopper, I passed out gas masks, fire axes, oxygen tanks and red toy firefighters hats to the entire crew. On such short notice the toy firefighters hats were the best we could do.

Donny kept an eye on the various cameras including several inside the building and quickly located the room where Marikay was being held captive still bound in bread ties in the penthouse suite where 2 Tall Whites and one Grey Alien were standing over her. When he zoomed in we could see the absolute terror in her eyes. I instructed Donny to call 9-1-1 and tell the operator we had located Marikay the instant we got on the elevator.

Danny hooked up his PA system and found the right CD. The crew lined up with John and Lemar in the front row, Steve and Wooley in the second row and  Isa and I bringing up the rear. "How come those guys lead the charge," Isa asked.

"Age before beauty," I smiled.

"You mean they're younger and stronger," he grinned.

"Age has it's perks, my friend," I said in agreement. "Besides, I want to make sure you're the one who rescues Marikay."

"She would like that," Isa said.

"You will too," I replied. "Men of action don't like waiting on others."

We waited as Bobbie piloted the helicopter to the top of the building and dumped the load of smoke bombs into the ventilation shaft. It seemed like forever but eventually we saw the smoke start to fill the lobby. It was then that Danny powered up his PA system and started playing alarm sounds along with a 200 decibel warning. "Everyone please remain calm and exit the building immediately by walking down the nearest stairs! Do not use the elevators as you may become trapped! I repeat, do not use the elevators as you may become trapped!"

Danny repeated the message again and again, rattling the entire building as he spoke. Of course, everyone panicked and started running all over the top of each other.

We gave the crowd a couple of minutes to thin out then went crashing in through one of the windows out front. Not that we needed to crash through the windows but being that we had fire axes we thought it would be fun. John and Lemar pummeled several security guards who got in our way and Steve and Wooley took out a couple more. Even I managed to trip one who came running towards Isa in an attempt to tackle him. We made it to the elevator only to find ourselves blocked from reaching the button that opened the doors by a row of security guards. "That will be far enough," one of the guards said. "You don't look like real firefighters to me."

"But my wife is up there," Isa said, "you have to let me get her down."

"As long as we're the one's with the badges and the guns," the guard said, "you do what we say and not the other way around."

I must admit it was looking pretty hopeless until I looked up to see the helicopter with a stick taped to the front flying behind the security guards towards the elevator button. We watched as it flew quietly, pushing the button with the stick and opening the elevator doors. "What the!" a guard shouted! "Shoot that thing!"

Suddenly all their attention was on the helicopter and shots were being fired as the elevator doors closed and we went non stop to the penthouse! By the time they realized what had happened we were gone.

When the elevator doors opened we rushed out of the elevator with John and Lemar running over everyone who tried to slow us down. With their axes they went through doors like butter and in but only minutes we found ourselves in the room where Marikay was being held. John and Lemar quickly took down the two Tall Whites and Isa almost ran over all of us as he reached to pound a series of mighty blows against the head and upper body of the Grey Alien before running to were Marikay lay bound in bread ties!

A couple more Tall Whites rushed into the room but John and Lemar made quick work of them while Steve and Wooley were tying the others up. "They're too tight!" Isa shouted. "I can't get them off of her!"

Try as we might we couldn't budge the thousands of bread ties binding Marikay. Even untwisting them didn't work as they kept twisting themselves back together faster than we could untwist them. Finally after struggling for several minutes we heard Donny on the radio, "Bobbie, we need your remote control."

"But they shot my chopper down," Bobbie said.

"That's okay," Donny said, "all we need is your remote control. Pretend you're flying that chopper straight to the moon, just keep going straight up until I tell you to stop. Got it?"

"Moon shot coming up," Bobbie said, "but I don't know what good it will do you."

In the penthouse we watched as the bread ties untwisted and fell from Marikay's body. In just a couple of minutes they were all on the floor and Isa was lifting her from the table. "I wonder what happens when Bobbie stops flying?" I asked.

"I donno," Steve said.

"Let's find out," Wooley laughed as he and Steve tossed the Grey Alien on the table where Marikay had been.

"Bobbie," I said, "how 'bout you fly back to Earth?"

"Donny?" she asked.

"You heard the man," Donny asked, "Fly that puppy home."

"One puppy coming down," Bobbie said over the radio.

We watched in amazement as the bread ties quickly sprang from the floor to cover the Grey Alien and bind him from head to toe in thousands of little twists. The more he struggled the tighter they got. With 4 Tall Whites and one Grey Alien in tow, and Isa with a very groggy but smiling Marikay still in his arms, we made our way back to the elevator and to the lobby where dozens of real cops would be waiting by the time we got there. "How did your brother know how to work the bread ties?" Isa asked.

"You know, Isa," I answered, "I really have no idea but you can bet I'm going to ask."

When the elevator doors opened ay the lobby we were met by dozens of Greensboro Police Officers including Greensboro Police Chief Ken Miller. "We found Marikay," Isa shouted. "And her kidnappers."

I accompanied Isa and Marikay to the emergency room at Wesley Long Hospital http://www.conehealth.com/locations/wesley-long-hospital/ along with Chief Miller while the others stayed behind to answer questions for police investigators and the dozen or so local media outlets that had arrived on the scene. Marikay checked out just fine with the doctor recommending only a few days rest and relaxation and a possible visit to a therapist should she feel the need.

The next morning I opened my copy of the Greensboro News & Record expecting to see a story all about Marikay's abduction, recovery and captured Aliens but instead on the front page the headline read, Pointe Centre Hit By Vandals! No mention of kidnappings, Marikay, captured Grey Aliens, Tall Whites, remote controlled bread ties or anything that actually took place other than some broken glass and a scuffle between security guards and a group of unknown men armed with axes and smoke grenades.

That's Greensboro, everything's broken. Sing it, Bob!


There, I said it.

Continue to Wipeout.

Dangerous Men

"So Billy," Bobbie asked, "why is it people tell me you're dangerous."

"I spent most of my life hanging out with some pretty nefarious characters," I answered. "Their reputations just rubbed off on me. Fact is, I never did anything to anyone who didn't have it coming and most of the time I still let it go."

"So why did you hang out with so many nefarious characters all your life?" Bobbie asked.

"Well, as through the world I've rambled, I've seen lots of funny men. Some rob you with a sixgun, some with a fountain pen. As through this world you ramble, as through this world you roam You'll never see an outlaw drive a family from its home,"  I replied.

"Is that one of your poems?" Bobbie asked. "I heard you write poetry too."

"I have been somewhat well known as a bard," I answered, "but that bit of verse comes from a song about the outlaw, Pretty Boy Floyd written by Woody Guthrie, a great folk singer from long ago. "

"Arlo's father," Bobbie said.

"So you are up on your music history," I said.

"I try to be," Bobbie smiled. "Maybe we can go see Arlo next time he comes to the Carolina Theatre."

"I used to take my Daddy to see Arlo at the Carolina," I said. "That would be nice."

"So you're not really a dangerous man?" Bobbie asked.

"Not nearly as dangerous as a politician," I replied.

"How could you be?" Bobbie smiled.

_______


Dangerous men were on the ground in Greensboro, most of them of the fountain pen variety. There was hardly an area of government or business that hadn't been corrupted. Millions were spent annually in the name of economic development only to see it skip over Greensboro to the nearby cities. That was the reason we placed our business in Burlington in the first place. Sure, Greensboro was a bigger city and would bring us more business but not 10 times more business and with start-up costs being 10 times higher in Greensboro than in Burlington it just didn't make sense to start a business in the very town in which we lived.

The Aliens and their cronies seemed to hate minorities even more than the rest of us. They were constantly trying to pass laws to drive minorities out of Downtown. Even when caught red handed one Tall White continued to try and peddle his influence. It was as if he didn't realize he was banished from his own dimension and didn't know he couldn't go running back. Or he was so desperate he would stop at nothing. Those are the most dangerous of all.

The Tall Whites and the Grey Aliens on City Council were behaving desperately as well, attempting to pass laws that were against the law to give them all of our money. Despite all their technology, control and absolute power over the people their addictions to technology, control and absolute power appeared to be insatiable.. So too were their human supporters blinded by their own greed and endless addictions.

_______


As Spring was almost here and the ground was already beginning to warm up, Veggie asked that we take him outside and let him pick out a sunny spot for us to transplant him in the hopes that he could begin life anew as only plants can do. It would be hard watching Veggie drop his leaves come Autumn and go dormant for the Winter but should he survive his first year the odds were good that he might live another lifetime-- something even the youngest among us humans would never be able to do. Bobbie and I put Veggie's pot in a hand truck and rolled him about the yard until he mumbled, "Plant me here where I can watch over all of you."

"How 'bout we give you a cell phone?" Bobbie asked. "So you don't have to yell."

"Give me yours," Veggie said. "So the next time they come looking for you they'll just find a digitized plant."

"Are you sure," Bobbie said. "You'll be defenseless planted in the ground."

"Yes," Veggie agreed, "but it will be worth it to see the looks on their faces. I'll call if I have any problems, I promise."

Bobbie and I spent the better part of the day digging. To make sure Veggie always had enough water I buried a pipe across the yard and installed a faucet and hose where Veggie could reach it. We amended the soil with lots of compost and organic materials to Veggie's specializations and called it a day. "See you tomorrow," Bobbie said.

"I'll be right here," Veggie laughed.

"Anything I can get you?" I asked.

"A six pack of Miracle-Gro would be good," Veggie said.

"I'll be back in a few," I said as I walked to my truck.

Just as I got back from the store I got a telephone call from Greensboro City Councilwoman Marikay Abuzuaiter's husband. He had seen what looked like an Alien outside their window, went outside to check and when he came back inside Marikay was being carried out by thousands of bread ties. "The police," he said, "They think I'm crazy. Do you think I'm crazy too?"

"I already know about the bread ties and I think I know where they're taking her," I said, "I'm on my way. The world has gone crazy but you're not crazy."

Continue to Broken

There Are No Accidents

"Time to call it a day," Wooley said.

"Looks like Billy already has," Bobbie said pointing to me asleep in my recliner in front of the wood stove. "I'll wake him up so he can go home."

"Leave him there," Donny said. "It's his night to stay in the shop."

"But won't he get cold," Bobbie asked.

"If he does he'll wake up and put more wood on the fire," Steve said.

"Well the least we can do is put a couple of these blankets on him," Bobbie said reaching for some old movers blankets we stored on a shelf.

"Don't do that," Wooley said.

"Why not?" Bobbie asked.

"'Cause then he won't wake up and stoke the fire," Donny said.

"And the shop will be cold when we come back to work tomorrow," Wooley added.

"You guys are just mean," Bobbie said as she laid the blankets over me.

"That's why I like having you around," I whispered. "Now go enjoy the night off and let them think I slept through the whole thing."

_______

The Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals thought they had it all smoothed over with the City of Greensboro. A special panel consisting of two city council members and three Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals agreed to meet privately for 3 months to work out their issues. Then a local blogger made known the fact that because the Downtown Greensboro Interdimensionals were publicly funded, their meetings had to be open to the public. And to make matters worse it was discovered that Downtown Greensboro Interdimensional board members were granting public funding to their own board members. There was little doubt that before it was over, Auction Greensboro and the Guilford Partnership would be implicated as well.

________

Veggie (Remember Veggie?) Veggie and I had been busy buying up as many shares of Wackemall Inc. stock as we could get our hands on. The price had fallen to less than a penny a share so it wasn't hard to do. We, along with Burnup and Singed Attorneys At Law, who were also buying up shares, were making plans to convert Wackemall Inc. back into a privately owned corporation or possibly an employee owned co-op if it managed to survive that long. Our goal was to build legacy companies that would adhere to the dreams we had when we started them all those years ago even long after we both were long gone and as partners in the venture Burnup and Singed were happy to do their part.

I was thinking about how the world had changed and all the things I had seen that Bobbie and John would never get to see. When I was their age I was trucking for a living when I wasn't riding with outlaw bikers or following Veggie around the world. Back then, all the truck-stops were mom and pop operations so the food was always local. Real New England Clam Chowder one day, Lexington Style BBQ the next day, Crayfish Gumbo the following day, real Tex-mex the day after that-- the eating was as much of the adventure as the trucking and travel. Now days, coast to coast all the truck stops have the same menu and the interstates and industrial parks all look the same. That's progress and I got to witness it first hand. Bobbie, John and the rest of America's young will never know the America I once knew, condemned to forever spend their lives in what developers and city planners call, vanilla boxes.

How long would it be before workers in America lived in warehouse conditions spending seven days and seven nights a week at the job because, like in China, it's either too far or too expensive to go home at night?

_______

I woke up about eight that night to the sound of someone coming into the shop. We deliberately don't lubricate the hinges on the doors for that very reason. I reached into my pocket for my revolver when I heard Bobbie say, "Are you hungry? I made you some dinner."

"Really," I said, "Why the surprise?"

"Because you're such a nice boss," Bobbie replied, "and so you won't get hungry while you're taking me for a ride on the Wackemall 750."

"But it's my night to stay here," I said.

"You have no social life," Bobbie said. "You need to get out more and Steve said he's cover for you so no excuses."

"But I thought you didn't like riding behind men?"

"It's okay riding behind Grandpa," Bobbie said. "Besides, maybe you'll meet somebody there."

"Or maybe you will," I said.

"Maybe I will," Bobbie smiled. "I hope you like vegetarian."

"If it swims, flies, walks, runs, crawls, slithers or grows in the ground I probably eat it," I laughed.

"So tell me," Bobbie asked, "why is it that John and I don't have to take turns spending the night at the shop?"

"Because you're employees and not partners," I replied. "Yet."

"Did you just say, yet?" Bobbie asked.

"Someday," I said, "When it's time for me to go, someone will be needed to replace me. As I no longer have any heirs you have the chance to earn it. It won't be easy and you'll probably work harder and longer than those who end up being your partners but while it's not much it's our dream that our heirs will make something great of it."

"But why me?" Bobbie asked.

"Because one night a while back you took the time to make a very lonely and very sad old man who had just lost his only son feel very good about himself when no one else could. And because tonight you've just done it again."

After we ate we went out to Boston's House Of Jazz & Blues to hear Bobbie's friend, Lemar Gibson sing.




What a good time it was. Did I meet anybody? Did Bobbie meet anybody? Maybe we'll tell you later.

Continue to Dangerous Men.